


Believer

by on_mars



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15x18, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Character Death Fix, Dean Winchester is Bad at Feelings, Destiel - Freeform, Fix-It, Gay Castiel (Supernatural), Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Purgatory, Season Finale, basically i tried to rewrite the finale cause that thing sucked ass, it's been ages idk how that works, oh man
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-14 01:20:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29535336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/on_mars/pseuds/on_mars
Summary: Just Dean Winchester being a dumbass and realizing he might be in love with Castiel (he is)
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 15
Kudos: 54





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello.  
> So. To be completely honest, I haven't written any fics for a whole year and I literally never wrote destiel stuff in my life.  
> I'm part of the fools who came back to supernatural after five years only to be disappointed all over again. The finale destroyed me and not in a good way so i decided to try and rewrite it.  
> Hope you'll like it :)  
> there'll probably be two or three parts.

“Where are you going?”

“Jack’s dead. Chuck is gone. You and Sam have each other. I think it’s time for me to move on.”

Dean watches Castiel as he climbs the stairs. For a minute, Dean thinks his friend is going to turn around, to look at him one more time and gives him a chance to speak, not that he would if he did – he would stay silent and the words would get stuck in his throat. They always do. And he doesn’t know why he always gets so angry. He doesn’t know why his anger always seems to be directed at Castiel of all people. But it’s no use to dwell on it now because when Dean looks up another time, Castiel is gone. The bunker is empty and Dean is alone.

He strikes the table he’s leaning on with his fist and leaves the room. Castiel is gone. He chose to leave the bunker of his own accord and Dean is not going to be the one asking him to come back. Not this time. His steps lead him to the kitchen. He expects to find Sam here but the room is as empty as the rest of the bunker. Here, he takes a seat at the table and serves himself a glass of whiskey. He quickly realizes that one isn’t enough though and soon enough he finds himself drinking directly from the bottle. Alcohol doesn’t help him feel better. In fact, it only seems to make him more angry and resentful towards Cas. He shuts his eyes fiercely and shakes his head in despair. They lost Rowena today. They lost their mom and they lost Jack, and as much as he wants to hate him for killing her, his heart still aches at the thought of his death. At the end of the day, he was still their kid. And if Cas hadn’t been so stubborn in finding a solution himself, then maybe this, all of it, could have been avoided.

“Hey” It’s his brother’s voice and Dean’s body tenses as he lifts that whiskey bottle to his lips. He’s not ready to face Sam just yet but his brother doesn’t let him the choice and takes a seat next to him. “Where’s Cas?” He asks.

“Don’t know. Don’t care.” is all he says. There’s a small tremor in his right hand and Dean slams the bottle down and puts his fingers together in a fist. “He left. He could be dead and gone for all I know. Wouldn’t make a difference anyway.” He mutters the last sentence under his breath.

“You don’t mean that.” Sam says.

“I sure as hell do, Sam.” His teeth are clenched as his eyes dart to his laps. The anger and frustration still boil inside him. Sam glares at him but Dean ignores him and takes another swallow of the whiskey instead. His eyes are bloodshot from all the drinking and the lack of sleep. “He made it clear he was better off without us anyway.”

“Yeah and whose fault is that?” Sam says, loudly. “He only left because you pushed him away.”

“Yeah right.” Dean chuckles. He takes his glass and let it roll on the table with the palm of his hands. His gaze is still down, his jaw clenched with strain.

“He’s your best friend, Dean. He’s our best friend.” Sam’s voice is calmer now, and doesn’t seem to be filled with as much anger as it was seconds ago. “I care about him. You do too.” He adds.

“I did. Not anymore.” Dean’s grip on his glass tightens.

“You can pretend all you want, Dean, but I know you do.” Sam retorts. Dean’s gaze darts towards him but he adverts his eyes just as fast.

“But why would I care, huh?” Dean looks up another time, more determined. His tone is harsh and his voice abrupt, the words seem to come out of his mouth of their own accord. “He doesn’t give a fuck about us, Sammy! He never did. He’s an angel, alright? Since when do they have _feelings_? They don’t. Everything he does, everything he did? It was for his own ends!”

“For his own… Dean, do you even hear yourself talking?” Sam snarls. “How can you say that about him, it’s Cas we’re talking about! Everything he ever did was for us, for _you_. For Christ’s sake, it’s always been about you! Every single thing. Every single decision he ever took, he’s always had you in mind. Everything was for you. Even when you thought it wasn’t, _especially_ when you thought it wasn’t.”

“That’s not – He didn’t -”

“He did.” Sam cuts him off. “He’s always had the best intentions at heart and you know it. And sure, he messed up but we all messed up at some point, Dean. And in the end, does it even matter? He always did the best he could, always did what he thought was right. And isn’t that the whole point of everything we do?”

“Oh yeah because not telling us about Jack was _right_? Killing that demon and forcing Rowena to end herself was _right_?” Dean shouts with a deep voice. His heart pounds against his chest and the anger seemed to have taken over his whole body. The restraint that usually keeps him from losing control shatters and his hands start shaking with rage. “He should have stick to the damn plan.”

“Dean, since when any of our plans actually work? Plans change. He didn’t have a choice.” Sam answers and his voice is surprisingly calm. For some reasons, it only makes Dean more frustrated and angry and as he stands up abruptly, the glass slips out of his hands and shatters on the floor.

“Of course he did, he just made the wrong one like he always does!” His shoe steps on some broken glass but he doesn’t acknowledge it and turns his back on his brother instead. “Look maybe you can forget about everything. Maybe you can let go of all the stupid shit he did but I can’t, okay? I mean Mom died, Sam!”

“I know. And I understand how you feel, alright? Believe me I do. I get it. And I know he messed up. But we all did, Dean. We all knew something was wrong with Jack. Blaming Cas for everything’s not going to bring her back, you know. Mom wouldn’t blame h-”

“Yeah well she’s dead Sam so it doesn’t matter what she would do.” Sam lowers his eyes and chuckles darkly. He runs his fingers through his hair and when he finally looks up at his brother, his face is changed. It’s no longer contorted with anger and frustration, his mouth turns up at the edges but he presses his lips together just as fast.

“That’s right, Dean. She’s dead. And I don’t know you but I’m getting real tired of seeing the people I care about die. I mean Dean don’t we think we’ve lost enough? Don’t you think _you_ ’ve lost enough? So what now you want to add _Cas_ to the list? Dean, he’s your best-friend.”

Dean stays quiet. His hand is on the door’s handle and he doesn’t move. He closes his eyes fiercely and runs his right hand through his face, his gaze on the floor.

“Yeah well it’s too late now. He’s gone.”

“So _that_ ’s what’s bothering you.” Sam answers. “You’re not mad at him for leaving. You’re mad at him for not coming back.”

And Dean wants to say something back at him. He wants to get mad and he wants to yell but Sam just struck a nerve and the words seem to get stuck in his throat once again.

“It’s getting old you know, seeing you hold stupid grudges against the people you love the most instead of facing your own problems.”

“I don’t love hi – It’s not like that.” Dean cuts him off but Sam ignores him and goes on.

“Oh I think it is. _like that_. But I guess it’s a conversation for another time. And I get it, you know. You blame other people because it’s easier than to admit you’re at fault too. You blame him and then you push him away because you know deep down that he’s always going to come back to you. And maybe that’s why you’re so angry. Because it’s the first time the man paints you into a corner and you’re scared he’s not going to come back this time.”

Dean leaves the room.

\---

“Man I hope you can hear me. I hope you can hear me.”

Dean wipes the tears still rolling down his cheeks with his hand and stands up. There’s still a twenty minutes walk to join the portal and the last thing he wants is to get stuck in Purgatory a second time. One year was enough and this time Benny’s not hear to help. Benny is dead and for all he knows, Castiel might be dead too. He closes his eyes fiercely and shakes his head, not allowing his thoughts to steer into that direction. His eyes start to water again but Dean takes a deep breath and keeps walking. He’s not going to cry. Not this time. Not when everything is on him. His body is still boiling with anger but it’s not directed at Castiel anymore, it’s not directed at anyone but himself. He’s the one who pushed him away. He’s the one who blamed him for everything and he’s the one who wasn’t brave enough to come to him and admit he was at fault too. His brother was right. He usually always is and Dean wonders why he keeps pretending the opposite.

He keeps walking. There’s only 15 minutes left now until the portal closes and weirdly enough Dean hasn’t encountered any leviathans, vampires or other monsters who would be the first to have reasons to hold a grudge against him. He keeps walking and his eyes keep glancing around nervously in the hope of catching sight of a trench-coat and a pair of blue eyes looking at him and piercing through his very soul. But there’s nothing around him. Nothing to see, nothing to hear except for his own thoughts raging in his head. The minutes go by and his heart starts pounding harder and harder against his chest until it’s the only thing he can feel.

There’s only five minutes left when Dean’s eyes catch sight of the glowing light floating in the air. The portal is only around 350 feet away and the seconds still go by. He looks down and chuckles darkly; he came here with one goal and he’s going to come empty handed, alone and with no way of stopping Chuck. He’s going to fail Sam. He’s going to fail Cas. He’s going to fail himself but most importantly he’s going to fail the whole world.

When he looks down at his phone one last time, three minutes is all he has left. He looks around and takes a few steps towards the portal and that’s when he hears it. He jumps and points his gun at the voice, ready to shoot, until his eyes fall on Castiel. The angel is seated against a tree and Dean opens his eyes wide.

“Cas?” His voice wavers and the tension in his body instantly softens. Castiel is here and he’s alive and for a second, Dean suddenly doesn’t care about the Leviathan’s blossom or even Chuck anymore. Only Castiel counts.

“You made it.” He’s breathless and his left temple is bleeding.

“I made it.” Dean repeats as he watches his best-friend taking a few steps towards him. He joins him halfway and wraps his arms around his back. He sighs in relief and closes his eyes, holding him tight. He takes a step backwards and lifts his right hand to Castiel’s neck, making sure the wound on his temple is not serious. “You’re okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“What happened?”

Castiel tells him everything but Dean is barely listening. He looks at the man in front of him and tries to take in every single details. His comforting eyes, his smile, his calloused hands, his hair, his stupid trench-coat and that tie he always insists on wearing no matter what the circumstances are. He watches it all and a flash of realization suddenly crosses his eyes.

He _loves_ him. It’s insane really how much he does, how much he always did. And Dean doesn’t know why it took him so long to finally realize it and he doesn’t know why he keeps on pretending otherwise either but he doesn’t really care anymore. Because it’s there now and it’s real. He loves him.

Dean tries to focus on what his best-friend is saying but his thoughts all seem to scatter away. It’s only when Castiel show him the Leviathans’ blossom that he regains consciousness; he huffs out a laugh. The pressure he felt doesn’t seem to weigh on him a lot anymore. He feels lighter, freer.

“You did it. You did it, Cas.”

“Well they’re still after me. We should hurry.”

“Cas, I need to say something.” Dean says but the words get struck in his throat, again. He doesn’t know why it’s so hard for him to open up, he doesn’t know why it always costs him so much, he only knows the vulnerability that comes along with it makes him wish that the ground would swallow him down.

“You don’t have to say it. I heard your prayer.” Castiel reassures him.

And then blue eyes look at him with so much comfort and the ghost of a smile crosses the angel’s face and Dean knows there’s no need for him to talk.

\---

It turns out their trip to Purgatory is pointless. Their plan falls through, Chuck destroys the orb and they’re back to square one, desperate and out of ideas. And for a few days Dean doesn’t have it in him to care because his brother is back, his best-friend is back and that’s the only thing he cares about. They take things slow at first, but soon enough they are reading every single book in the Library in the hope of finding a new solution. The men of letters have proven themselves to be useful countless times in the past but they seem to draw the line at saving the world from the Creator of the universe.

When Garth calls, Dean is grateful for the distraction. Of course, that distraction turns out to be much more of a challenge than he expected with their luck being gone. They make it out alive, though and they eventually find themselves on their way to Alaska of all places. Dean is driving and Sam reads a book in silence. His brother doesn’t seem very focused though, because he suddenly looks up at him, an inquisitorial look on his face.

“So you and Cas are good, huh?”

“We’re good.” Dean says, his voice hesitant. His hand taps nervously on the steering wheel.

“Did you guys talk or…?”

“I apologized for being a dick. He said it was fine. End of story.” His grip on the steering wheel tightens and he turns up the volume of the song echoing in the car, letting Sam know that their conversation is over. He can hear his brother sigh but he chooses to ignore it and his eyes stay focused on the road in front of him.

“You care to elaborate?” Sam retorts after a few seconds.

“No.” Dean only answers. He hums the lyrics of Ramble On by Led Zeppelin and steps on the accelerator. He tries to clear his head but it’s no use; the thoughts he’s been trying so hard to repress for the past weeks have already besieged his mind. He closes his eyes fiercely and desperately tries to chase them away or bury them in the back of his head, somewhere he won’t be able to find them. But they only seem to get louder and louder until it’s all he can think about and Dean is _drowning_. Because it’s one thing to know you might be desperately in love with your best-friend but quite another to actually act on these feelings. It’s been so long since he’s been trying to repress any kind of romantic feelings, so long since he’s been trying to repress that side of himself he doesn’t even know where to start, what to say and how to act. Not that he has the time to have a private chat with Cas anyway, the Chuck situation take all their energy.

“You really think we can do it?” Sam asks after a while. “Beat God?”

“Well we don’t really have a choice, do we?” He answers. “We’ll find a way. We always do.”

And they do. Or at least they think they do. When Castiel comes back in the bunker with Jack and tell them about Billie’s plan, Dean’s heart is swelling. Because for the first time in his life, he finds himself thinking that maybe things can get better, that maybe God is not the end of their stories, but rather the beginning. He finds himself hoping. And he can’t get enough of it.

But it all comes crashing down one day and maybe Dean should have seen it coming. Only he’s never been more desperate to see the end of it all and his whole body is consumed with anger and pain and he finds it impossible to think straight. So when Billie’s plan turns out to be twisted and his friends start to vanish into thin air, he acts on impulse. _I’ve killed Death_ _once, I can do it again_ , he thinks, and he doesn’t know how wrong he is until he’s trapped in a storage room with Castiel, a door and a sigil being their only shield against Billie.

And in that moment he realizes he’s not angry anymore. He’s scared, terrified of what might happen. He’s always believed he would die fighting with a gun in his hand, always believed he would welcome death with open arms, but as he looks up and stares at his best-friend’s eyes, he finds himself wishing for something more. But Billie keeps pounding harder and harder against the door and Dean knows there is no way for both of them to make it out alive.

“Everybody’s gonna die, Cas. Everybody. I can’t stop it. She’s gonna get through that door and she’s gonna kill me and then she’s gonna kill you. I’m sorry.” He says, his jaw clenched and his lips drawn tight against his teeth. His brow is knit with stress and his whole body seems to radiate tension. His adrenaline’s fades as Billie’s thumps on the door grow louder.

“Wait there is…” Castiel starts and a spark of hope suddenly gleams in Dean’s eyes. “There’s one thing she’s afraid of. There’s… There’s one thing strong enough to stop her. When Jack was dying, I… I made a deal to save him.”

“You what?” He looks at him with surprise.

“The price was my life. When I experienced a moment of true happiness, the Empty would be summoned and it would take me forever.”

 _I_ _f_ _the price is your life, then you being happy is the last thing I want,_ Dean thinks but what comes out of his mouth is completely different.

“Why are you telling me this now?”

“I always wondered, ever since I took that burden, that curse, I wondered what it could be, what... what my true happiness could even look like. I never found an answer. Because the one thing I want... it's something I know I can't have. But I think I know... I think I know now. Happiness isn't in the having. It's in just being. It's in just saying it.”

“What are you talking about, man?” His head is spinning. There’s a finality in Castiel’s tone that Dean doesn’t understand, a kind of solemnity that makes him afraid to talk, afraid to look away. And for a moment Dean almost wishes his friend would stop talking because his words are too deep and his voice is too soft and Dean’s heart is too full. But Castiel keeps going and tears are rolling down his cheeks and Dean wants to scream at him and beg him to stop. Because he doesn’t want to hear it. Not now. Not like that. Not when he’s about to lose him yet again.

“Why does this sound like a goodbye?” Dean asks and his voice breaks.

“Because it is.” And that’s when he says it. These three words. These three words Dean’s been trying so hard to say for the past few weeks. These three words he keeps on repeating over and over again in his head in the hope of finally being able to speak them for what they really mean.

 _I love you_.

“Don’t do this, Cas.” Dean says, his eyes bright with tears. “Don’t you dare leave me here, you hear me?” He adds and cups Castiel’s cheeks with his hands, ignoring the empty behind him. “I’m just- don’t make me lose you again. Please.” He wipes the angel’s tears with his thumbs and lets his forehead fall against his. “Cas.”

“Goodbye, Dean.” Castiel says as he pushes him against the wall and Dean has to watch his best-friend as the Empty takes him, along with Billie. Dean brings his knees to his chest and runs his fingers through his hair, unable to stop the tears from rolling down his cheeks and the sobs from racking his body.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> second and last part :)

When Dean wakes up, he’s cold and stiff and every muscles of his body hurts. He opens his eyes slowly and stretches his neck, trying to ignore the dull headache weighing on his forehead. His eyes fall on his bedside table and that’s how he realizes he’s on the ground, still wearing his old pair of jeans and his red shirt. He groans and raises his body with the help of his left arm. With great efforts, he eventually manages to sit straight and leans his back against his bed. He lifts his hand from his thigh to his head and rubs his temples to try and soothe the pain.

It’s been nearly two weeks since the empty took Cas. Maybe more. To be honest, Dean doesn’t really keep track of time too well lately. His calendar is still stuck on the same day and Dean doesn’t have the strength to change it. Ever since they beat Chuck and saved the world, his body functions on auto-pilot. It’s alive and conscious but his mind is elsewhere, disconnected from reality. Because reality is too hard for him to handle right now and Dean vastly prefers drowning his sorrow in drink. It’s easier and the dull headache he feels every morning is much more preferable to the constant void and excruciating pain following him like a ghost wherever he goes when his body is sober. Time is pointless when you spend it waiting for something you can’t reach.

Dean closes his eyes and tries to chase away the thoughts invading his mind, thoughts all converging towards the same direction, the same person. Cas. _That stupid bastard_ , Dean thinks as he lifts his whiskey bottle to his lips and lets the alcohol burns his throat and fills his blood. Cas and his stupid selfless attitude. Cas and his obsession to sacrifice himself just to save one man. But that wasn’t so surprising of him, was it? After all, it’s always been the central point of their relationship. The sacrifices and the rebellion and the reckless choices. Castiel’s done it all and always with the same motive in mind. Save Dean Winchester. But is he even worth the sacrifice?

Dean huffs out a laugh when the answer appears very clearly in his mind. Of course he isn’t. There’s no way he will ever be worthy of anything, let alone Castiel’s love. Dean raises his head and lets his eyes wander around the ceiling.

“You stupid son of a bitch.” He whispers to no-one but himself. Cas has been selfless even in death and Dean hates him and all the stupid things he’s said to him that day but most importantly he loves him even more.

_Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love._

_You’re the most caring man on earth._

_You are the most selfless, loving human-being I will ever know._

_I cared about the whole world because of you._

_I love you._

“You insufferable bastard.” Dean says again, his eyes closed.

For a few seconds he does nothing until his stomach starts to rumble. He stumbles towards the kitchen and lets himself fall on the chair, not noticing Sam’s presence next to him until a plate of pancakes and a cup of coffee are being placed in front of him.

“Thanks Sammy.” Dean takes a sip of his coffee and his body welcomes the warmth. He glances at his brother and watches him smile with his phone in the hand. _Eileen_ , Dean thinks. And that makes him happy for a second but then his face darkens and his hand tightens against the cup. Because everyone is back. Everyone except for Cas.

“How’s Eileen?” He asks, his mouth full.

“She’s doing okay. She’s taking some time off. A lot of us needs it... Especially you.” Sam says.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I just – Dean, what happened to Cas?” Sam asks.

“Not now, Sammy.” It’s been Dean’s answer for the past few weeks and he knows Sam’s nerves are frayed.

“Well if not now then when, Dean?” Sam exclaims. “I know something happened, alright? And from the way you’ve been sulking in your room for weeks it must be big but-”

“Oh so now I’m not allowed to grieve my best-friend’s death, that’s what you’re trying to tell me?” Dean snaps and Sam sighs.

“Of course not. Listen I just want to help, okay? It’s been weeks and all I know is that he saved you and that the Empty took him and Billie. Jack told me about some kind of deal but I can’t really connect the dots on my own here, Dean. What happened?”

“I- I can’t Sam. I’m sorry but I just can’t. Every time I try to- it’s eating at me.” Dean looks down at his cup of coffee still steaming and takes another sip.

“Look I know it’s hard but he was my best-friend too you know. You’re not the only one who misses him.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” Dean leans back in his chair and runs his hands through his face. Sam stays silent but eventually lets out a sigh. He’s in the process of standing up when the words come out of Dean’s mouth. “Jack was right. There was a deal. When Cas was in Heaven with him, the empty wanted to take the kid. But you know how Cas is, always so fucking selfless and- well he offered himself instead. Only it- That wasn’t all. The Empty said it would only take him once he would experience a moment of… a moment of true happiness or some shit like that.”

“Dean I… I don’t understand. If you two were about to die, then how could he possibly be happy?” Sam asks and the incomprehension is clear in his voice. Dean closes his eyes as he prepares himself for what comes next and Sam doesn’t push him. His brother has always been more patient, more equipped when it comes to honest talks and unfiltered conversations. But still Dean tries. Maybe someday he’ll get there.

“He- He told me he-” Once again, the words get stuck in his throat. Dean’s eyes dart around the kitchen before finally landing on his brother’s. “He told me he loved me.”

Sam raises his brows in surprise. “He told you he loved you? But… I mean as in _loves_ loves you?”

“I don’t know man, I guess? I’m still trying to- you know.”

“Yeah I… I don’t really know why I’m surprised really.” Sam says and goes on when Dean frowns. “Come on, Dean there was always something… something different between you and him, everyone could see that. Even mom.”

“Well of course there was Sam I mean the man saved me from Hell, this relationship was bound to be kinda deep from the start.” Dean blinks hard and squirms uncomfortably on his seat.

“And what did you… What did you say to him?” Sam asks carefully.

“There wasn’t time for me to talk Sam! The guy straight up told me he was in love with me and then it took him. The empty, it took him and I- That wasn’t fair, man, he just- I barely had time to register what was happening.”

“I’m sorry.” Sam whispers. “I’m sorry, Dean.” He leans back on his chair and lets out a sigh. “How do you feel?”

“Oh just peachy.” Dean says with irony.

“No I mean, how do you… you know. Feel. About him.” Sam clarifies, unfolding his arms on the table.

“I don’t- I mean I… Does it even matter now?” Dean asks as his eyes water. “He’s gone.” He places his elbows on the table and runs his hands through his face, sighing. His pancake is still half-eaten on his plate and Dean huffs out a laugh. He still remembers the look of pure joy on Castiel’s face when he served him his first meal as a human. “I think I loved him too, you know.” He finds himself saying. “It was always there. I just couldn’t see it.”

“I’m sorry.” Sam repeats. “I just- I don’t know what to say.”

“There’s nothing else to say, Sam.” Dean concludes, finishing his pancake in a flash. The maple syrup drips on his chin and Sam huffs out a laugh.

“Don’t know what got in his head to fall in love with you if you ask me.”

“I know, right? The man could do a lot better.” Dean answers, his mouth full. _He was always too good to me_ , he wants to add but keep that thought to himself.

For a moment, nothing else happens. Dean serves himself another pancake and eats silently and Sam just watches him, his expression thoughtful. It looks like he wants to say something else but doesn’t know how to. Dean leans his back on the chair but stands up abruptly and hustles out of the kitchen. He goes to the bathroom and takes in his appearance for a few seconds. He’s barely recognizable. His eyes are bloodshot from the extreme fatigue and all the drinking. The dark rings under his eyes darken his face and his beard long overtook the designer stubble.

“Cas.” He breathes as his hands tighten against the extremities of the sink. He closes his eyes and his jaw clenches. “Cas I know… I know you can’t hear me, and I hope… I hope it’s at least peaceful for you out there… Listen I need you to know that- that I miss you. I miss you so much man. Sam does too. And I’m sorry I haven’t said anything back to you that day, but to be honest, I- I was just- I mean what the fuck, Cas? How could you put all this shit on me? This wasn’t fair. You poured your heart out to me and I- and then you were just gone. I couldn’t- We could have talked about that Cas. Maybe… Maybe we could have taken this slow you and I.”

Dean’s voice breaks and he wipes the tears with the back of his hand. “Maybe I would have liked that. How could you… You took that decision for me, man. Why did you say this was something you couldn't have? You never asked. And I wish… I wish I wasn’t so messed up inside. I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t talk about it.” He breathes in. “All the things you said to me, Cas, I’ll- I promise I’ll remember. I’ll try to- I’ll try to be more like the person you see in me. I swear I will.”

\---

Soon enough they start hunting again. They try to take things slow but the days pass and Dean feels more and more detached from that life, more and more disconnected. He tries to ignore that thought and chase his doubts away but something in him just stirs from something more, something different. A normal job. A house in the countryside. A new life away from the monsters and the supernatural. It doesn’t seem so out of reach anymore. And maybe he deserves it. After all the things he’s done, all the creatures he’s stopped and all the energy he’s given. Retirement doesn’t seem so bad no more.

On the other hand, Sam and Eileen are restless, spending their days chasing monsters and turning the bunker into a kind of headquarters for hunters. Dean doesn’t mind but he stays away most of the time, spending his days taking long walks outside with Miracle or in his room looking for jobs. Like he is now. He’s seated on his bed, his computer on his lap and a job application in his hand. A mechanic position not far from here in a body shop run by one of Bobby’s old mates. Dean looks at the form for a few seconds when he hears Sam’s loud voice calling for him.

“Dean!” There’s an urgency in his tone that makes him jump out of bed, his gun in his hand. He runs to the war-room but stays dead in his tracks when his eyes fall on him. Cas. There is Jack by his side but Dean only has eyes for Cas. He watches him, his mouth agape, and blinks hard for a second, convinced that this is just another one of his hallucinations, another one of his dreams. Because Cas is gone. He’s gone and he’s not coming back. Dean’s made his peace with that. Or at least he tried to. But his friend is still there when he opens his eyes and from the way Sam is looking at him, Dean knows the situation is as incomprehensible for his brother as it is for him. Castiel made it back. He’s limping, his trench-coat is covered in black goo and Dean doesn’t think he’s ever seen him looking more tired but he’s still standing there in front of them, alive and well.

“You’re really here.” Sam says. Dean watches his brother as he gets closer to Cas and holds him. He watches his brother as he smiles and taps the angel on the back a few times. He watches him but he does nothing. He’s too dumbstruck to react, let alone say the slightest word. “How did you- We thought you were dead and gone, man.” Sam adds.

“Jack brought me back.” Cas tells Sam but his eyes stare at Dean instead. “Hello, Dean” He says with the same gravelly voice and that’s just what Dean needs to finally get a grip on himself. He crosses the few meters separating them with a rushed step and wrap his arms around his back, burying his face in the crook of his neck. He sighs in relief and breathes in the scent of what he guesses is a mix of honey and flowers. He smiles in confusion but chooses to ignore it, there are much more pressing matters at hands than pondering over Castiel’s scent. He closes his eyes fiercely and holds him tight, terrified of seeing him vanish into thin air if he lets go or loosens the embrace.

“You stupid son of a bitch.” He says but his voice wavers and tears start rolling down his cheeks and falling on Castiel’s collar. “You’re a fucking moron, you know that right?” He adds and huffs out a laugh, a wide smile breaks into his face. “I missed you. I missed you so much.” He adds, his voice low so only Cas can hear. “I thought I had lost you forever, man.” This time, his voice breaks altogether and Dean has to force himself to take a step back.

“I missed you too.” Castiel says with the same goofy smile and Dean finds himself embracing him again, faster this time. His eyes then fall on Jack and he wastes no time to hold him too and whisper a quick “thank you.” in his ear.

“How did you pull it off?” Sam asks, his eyes glued to Jack. “I mean it’s been weeks.”

“I know. I’m sorry it took me so long.” Jack apologizes. “Even for me, the Empty is a hard place to navigate in. I know I said I wasn’t going to interfere as much as Chuck did but I wanted to do this for you guys.”

“You did good, kid. Real good.”

“I must go now.”

“Well come back sometimes. I don’t care that you’re the new God or something, you’re still our kid, okay?” Deans taps him on the shoulder and watches him disappear with a fluttering of wings. He turns to Cas and gives him a small hesitant smile. There’s so many things he wishes to tell him but the whole situation is all so sudden he doesn’t even know where to start. When he woke up this morning, his only plan was to get that job application done and maybe take a walk with Miracle at the end of the evening but yet here he is standing in front of his best-friend with a lump in his throat, still wondering how all of this can be real.

Luckily for him, Miracle jogs toward him and Dean squats down to runs his fingers through the dog’s fur. “Good boy” He says, scratching his head as Miracle barks a few times.

“Dean, who is this?” Castiel asks. His head tilts in confusion but Dean can see his mouth turning up at the edges until it becomes a small smile.

“This is Miracle.” He answers. He takes the dog in his arms and kisses his head a few times. He turns to Cas and lets him scratch the fur just behind his ears. “After you uh die, we- everyone was gone, man. But then I found this little guy. It was the only living thing on this goddamn planet. A miracle is what it was.”

“Jack filled me in. On what happened. I knew you could do it.”

“We couldn’t have done it without you, Cas.” Sam tells him. Dean lets himself fall on a chair and points at Cas to do the same. “We’re so glad to have you back.”

“Yeah… About that.” Castiel’s voice is hesitant. His arms are folded on the table and his head is bowed. “When Jack tried to get me back, the Empty was relentless. It wouldn’t let me go so I had to improvise and… I had to give up my grace.”

“So what you’re… You’re human, now?” Sam’s eyes are wide and his eyebrows raised in surprise.

“Pretty much.” Castiel takes a look at himself as if still trying to process the information himself.

“We’ll find a way to get it back.” Dean knows how hard and frustrating it had been for Cas the first time and the last thing he wants is to watch his best-friend go through that a second time.

“You can’t. Castiel answers with a smile and his face shows no sign of frustration or disappointment. “It was already fading, Dean. And I wouldn’t mind giving this human thing a new try.”

“I thought you hated it the first time.”

“I only hated it because I couldn’t stay here with you guys while I was… adjusting. This time, If I could-”

“You’re not going anywhere.” Dean instantly says as he sees him adverts his eyes. Sam nods in agreement. “This is your home, Cas, just as much as ours.” The small smile Castiel gives him in response and the way his eyes brighten up with relief is enough for Dean’s heart to melt. Without his grace, his best-friend has always been more timid, more innocent and even more awkward than usual and Dean finds himself unable to look away.

“Alright hum… You want a beer, Cas? Something to eat?” Sam asks.

“I’m good. But I wouldn’t say no to a shower and a quick nap. I’m exhausted.”

“Come on, then. I’ll give you some clean clothes.”

Dean steps outside and doesn’t look behind him to see if Castiel is following him. He knows he does. He goes to his room and squats down to open the first drawer of his dresser. He takes out an old tee-shirt and a pair of sweatpants. He can feel the ex-angel’s eyes on him but he’s not ready to face him. Now that Sam is gone, it would only make sense for them to talk about what happened but Dean needs to gather his thoughts first, he needs time to adjust and he needs time to _think_.

“Here. Take these.” Dean says, handing him the clothes. Their hands brush past each other as Castiel takes them and Dean instantly lets his hand fall along his body, on instinct. Castiel is staring at him with his big blue eyes and Dean lowers his head down. 

“Dean, I-”

“You should rest, Cas.” Dean cuts him off but still hold his wrist in his right hand to stop him from taking a step back. “We’ll talk later.” He says, his head still down. They stay like this for a few seconds until Dean lets go of his wrist and turns around without looking back.

When he steps in the war-room, Sam is still seated on the same chair, reading an article on his computer’s screen. _Probably another case_ , Dean thinks but doesn’t find it in him to care. His brother’s eyes look up but Dean adverts his gaze. Sam clears his throat.

“Did you guys… Did you guys talk?” Sam asks. “You know you can tel-”

“I’m taking a walk.” Dean cuts him off. He climbs the stairs with a rushed step; He waits for Miracle to get out and slams the door behind him. He walks along the path and takes a deep breath. The weather is quite cold and Dean is tempted to retrace his steps and takes his coat but decides against it. He rubs his hands against each other to warm them and keeps a close eye on Miracle running in the distance. He runs his hands through his face and sighs. His head is spinning and his thoughts keep banging together in his mind.

He doesn’t know for how long he walks. It might be only half-an-hour, might be much more. He needs time to think and Miracle seems to enjoy the walk. He takes a seat on a bench and watches him for a while but the sun is already quite low in the sky and Dean decides to turn around.

When he steps back in the bunker, his body welcomes the warmth, content to leave the cold behind. Dean expects to find Sam in the war-room or in the Library but both are empty. He takes a few steps towards Castiel’s room and pushes the door open slightly. The lights are still turned off and so Dean retraces his steps and enters the kitchen. There he opens the fridge and takes a beer, uncapping it with his left hand. He doesn’t have time to take a sip that Cas makes his entrance in the kitchen. He still wears Dean’s clothes and from the way he looks around himself in confusion, he must have woken up only a few minutes ago. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hand and his bed hair looks even messier than usual.

“G’morning.” Castiel says with his grumpy voice and Dean huffs out a laugh.

“Not the morning, man.” He says and when his friend looks up at him in confusion, Dean has to advert his eyes to put up a front. The man looks adorable and he wears his damn clothes and honestly, Dean kind of forgets how to breathe for a few seconds.

“You want a beer?” He asks and Cas nods and lets himself fall on a chair. Dean uncaps the bottle for him and hands it to him. “You slept well?”

“Yes.” He only answer as he takes a sip of his beer. This seems to wake him up a bit and Dean opens a bag of crisps and let it fall next to him. Cas thanks him silently and Dean doesn’t miss the way his mouth turns up at the edges when he brings the first chips to his mouth. “I missed food.”

“I’ll make you my burgers tonight. They’re amazing.” Cas smiles.

“Where is Sam?”

“Probably out with Eileen.” Dean says. “It’s- it’s just us tonight.” Castiel nods and lowers his head down. His hands keep scratching at the tag on the beer and Dean closes his eyes fiercely before walking into the lion’s den. “Cas I- What you said before the Empty took you. You, uh, you meant it?”

“Every single word.” Cas looks at him plainly in the eyes. “I love you, Dean.”

Dean huffs out a laugh and his gaze instantly darts to the ground. He tightens his grip on his bottle and has to push through the fear and the awkwardness to speak again. He clears his throat. “Uh, that’s… I-”

“Dean you don’t need to say anything.” Cas says.

“No- No I do. I do.” Dean looks up at him.

“That’s okay. I know you don’t feel the same wa-”

“You have no fucking idea how I feel, Cas.” Dean’s voice is louder now. He puts his fingers together into a fist to stop his hand from shaking. “Why did you say this was something you couldn’t have, man? You never asked.”

“Well you didn’t seem to be… to be holding the men’s company in high esteem.” Dean huffs out a laugh and takes a seat next to Cas. He looks at him in the eyes and puts a tentative hand on his arm.

“Cas. Men… Women. I don’t discriminate.” He says.

“I didn’t… You never-”

“Well I was kind of keeping the men’s thing on the down low.” Dean admits, putting his hand on the back of his neck, embarrassed. “I guess that’s on me.”

Dean takes a look at Cas. His eyes are still focused on the bottle in front of him. His hands have pulled off the tag and are now tearing it up in small pieces.

“When you died.” Dean begins, trying very hard to keep his voice calm and strong. “I was a mess, Cas. I mean you- Cas you poured your fucking heart out to me and then you were just gone. You were gone and I- I couldn’t-” Dean lets out a nervous laugh and lowers his head down. He pinches the bridge of his nose with his fingers and quickly wipes his tears with the back of his hands. “I mean even for you that’s fucked up. How could you expect me to just-”

“I wasn’t expecting anything from you, Dean.” Castiel answers.

“I know… And that’s probably the worst part of it all. You’re- you’re always so fucking selfless man and I hate that I-.” Dean says. “I’m so sorry, Cas. I’m sorry I’m so messed up you thought this was something we couldn’t talk about.” He slides his hands from his arm to his wrist and holds it, gently, for a few seconds until he takes his hand in his and intertwines their fingers together. His other hand cradles his chin to make him look up. Castiel’s expression is still confused, his brows furrowed. Dean sighs and lets go of his hand so he can place his owns on the back of his neck to crash their lips together. The kiss is clumsy at first. Their teeth are clinking and their noses keep brushing against each other but they eventually find a rhythm. Castiel is hesitant, at first, but when Dean pulls at his bottom lip, he parts them slowly to invite him in and groans at the new sensation. Dean smiles against his lips and cups his cheeks with his hands to try and bring him closer, unable to suppress a small whimper when the ex-angel puts his hands on the back of his neck and runs his fingers through his hair. They pull away just a little but Castiel immediately chases his lips a second time and Dean huffs out a laugh against his mouth.

“God I love you.” Dean says against his lips. “Of course I love you.”

“Please don’t mention my father’s name when we’re in the middle of kissing.” Cas says and Dean barks out a laugh, throwing his head back. “I am being serious Dean. That makes me very uncomfortable.”

“Alright alright. I’m sorry.” He kisses him a third time, and a fourth, and a fifth, and Dean can’t get enough of it. He moves his hands from his cheeks to the back of his neck, running his fingers through his hair. “I’m sorry.’ He says again, but this time it holds more meaning. “I’m sorry.” he says yet again against Castiel’s lips. “I’m so fucking sorry.” he repeats and tears start rolling down his cheeks. The kiss becomes sloppy, rushed, desperate and Dean’s lips shake because Castiel is right there in front of him and he’s kissing him and he still doesn’t quite believe it. How can he? They’ve been through so much together, his emotions are all over the place and Dean doesn’t know if he will ever be able to make sense of any of them. It seems impossible. Dean is frantic and his head is spinning and their kiss break when Castiel places a hand on his chest to move away, just a bit.

“Dean you don’t need to apologize.”

“I do.” Dean says, his eyes red and his voice loud and filled with an animosity only directed at himself. “The things I said to you… About Jack. About Rowena. About Mom. It wasn’t fair, man. You spent so much time trying to protect me, trying to protect Sam. And I- I’m sorry, alright? I’m sorry I couldn’t see that. I don’t know- I don’t know why I always get so angry all the damn time but-”

“You get angry because you care.” Castiel says with a voice so calm Dean’s mind start to steady. “You feel things in a way that is so… deep, so intense. It only makes sense that you need to lash out from times to times.”

“I just- I just don’t get it, Cas.” His voice wavers. He lowers his eyes down, his elbows on the table and his hands mixed up in his hair. “Out of all people, why the hell did you choose to love me?” He asks. “Me?” He says again, incredulously.

“I didn’t choose to love you, Dean.” Castiel rectifies. “I just do.”

“Yeah well you shouldn’t.” He says.

“Do you remember the first time we met?” Castiel asks out of the blue, his fingers holding Dean’s wrist, gently.

“Yeah I stabbed you in the freaking heart, man.” Dean says, taking a sip of his beer. “I mean I’m sorry but you sure looked like some crazy ass son of a bitch.” Castiel lets out a small chuckle at his words and Dean’s own mouth turns up at the edges, but he presses his lips back together just as fast. “What does it have to do with anything?” He asks after a few seconds.

“You remember what I told you?”

“I- Yeah. Yeah I do.” Dean admits, lowering his eyes a second time. “ _What’s the matter? You don’t think you deserve to be saved?_ ” He whispers in such a low voice he’s not sure Castiel can hear it.

“You’ve always been so hard on yourself, Dean.” Castiel’s thumb traces small circles on the back of his hand. “You still are.” He adds. “It was 12 years ago, and Dean you need to believe me when I say that you deserved to be saved then the same way you deserve to be loved today.”

Dean’s jaw clenches. “How can you- I mean you’re a freaking angel man, son of the big guy out there, don’t tell me you want to- to grow old with me or something. You can’t mean that.” He lets out a breath.

“I can.” He answers. “And I do.”

Dean raises his eyes and as he looks at these big blue eyes staring back at him with so much honesty, his facade cracks and he knows there’s only so much he can take until it shatters completely. But the words get stuck in his throat yet again and Dean stays quiet, his fingers gripping the edge of the table so hard his knuckles go white.

“Why is it so hard for you to believe it?”

“I don’t know. I- I never thought you could- you know- feel that way.” Dean watches as Castiel’s fingers slowly moves from his right hand to reach his left one still tightly grasping the table. His forefinger brushes Dean’s thumb tentatively until his fist unclenches and Castiel intertwines their fingers together.

“I couldn’t. At first. But you taught me how to.”

Dean chuckles darkly. The whole conversation seems so surreal he’s not even sure if it’s real. He clears his throat and glances at Cas for just a few seconds before lowering his eyes to the ground again. “Do you- do you really think we can make this work? Us?” He eventually asks. A headaches slowly starts to settle in his forehead but he pushes through it. “I mean Cas I- I’m probably the least stable person you’ll ever meet.”

“Yeah well… We’ll make it up as we go.”

“Yeah… We’ve always been pretty good at this, right?” Dean asks with a small smile.

And as he casts a quick look at Castiel’s lips, this one only smiles and lifts his right hand from his wrist to his neck to bring him closer and press their lips together another time.

“I don’t know why you said you couldn’t have that.” Dean says eventually. “You’ve always had it, man.”

He marks a pause, and speaks again.

“You’ve always had me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked it ! Kudos and comments are always appreciated :) and if you want to scream at me about destiel or the finale on [tumblr](https://on-maars.tumblr.com/) feel free to do so !

**Author's Note:**

> it's not so good but i'm slowly trying to get back into the writing thing so bear with me please. And don't hesitate to leave kudos or post comments if you wish, always good to read your opinions :)


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